The Morning Light (a short story)

It’s finally night. My children are sleeping peacefully. My beautiful bride is reading by candlelight and I’m pacing the floor. Can’t sleep.  I just can’t sleep.  I don’t believe I deserve sleep.  The stars are quietly calling out to me, but I’m not ready.  I’m not ready to face …him.  I wouldn’t know how to start the conversation.

“What’s on your mind?” My wife walks up behind me as I look out of the window.  She wraps her arms around me and gently lays her head on my upper back.

“…I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer that.” I stare up in the night sky wishing it would give me an escape from my guilt and shame.

“You know what you need to do.”

“Yes. I do.”

“But?” She turns me around to face her. Her eyes sparkled against the night’s light.

“I’m not ready. I don’t know what to say to him. I need time to think.”

“Then go think.  Get your mind right again.”

“I should.”

“Take your friends with you.”

“Lisa…” I trail off and pull away from her.

“They need you Ed.”

“I need you.” I smile.

“Go.” She gently pushed against my chest and handed me my jacket.

I grabbed my fishing pole and met up with my friends who were hanging outside debating something I couldn’t hear clearly.

“I’m going fishing.”

“We can see that, Ed”. Nate pointed at my fishing gear.

“We’re going with you.”, John insisted.

“Well, that was the point me telling you.” I shook my head and walked passed them making my way down to the beach.  My friends gathered their gear and followed me down the trail. The familiar trail to the familiar spot where we would fish all night.

We don’t talk about the weather or complain about the busyness of the day when we fish.  We were fishermen.  We fish. Silence is our language. It connects us.  I needed to fish.  I felt like they needed it too. 

We sailed out to our spot, but it didn’t feel like it.  We casted our nets and poles in the water, but nothing, absolutely no fish were interested.  Even the fish knew I was distracted.  Once again, I felt responsible for our failure. But I was determined.  We would have stayed out there all night if we had to.  And indeed we did. All night trying to fish, wishing something would pull on the line. 

I cursed to under my breath and looked up at the sleepy sky.  It was waking up. That’s when I heard the rooster crowing.  That rooster mocked me everyday. Morning had come and we were so fixated on our emptiness we hardly noticed.  That’s when I heard...

“Friends! You caught anything?!”

There was a man on the shore.  He had a little fire going and seemed to be grilling some fish.  How did I not notice him before?

“Nothing!” Thomas answered him.

“Throw your nets on the right side of the boat.” He ordered us. “You’ll catch some then!”  He stood there watching us, waiting for us to obey him like we were children.

“What the h…” I snapped ready to go off but John grabbed my forearm.

“What harm can it do?” He yarned and proceeded to follow the strange man’s orders.  You won’t believe what happened next.  Fish began crowding themselves into our nets.  It took the strength of all of us just keep from losing our nets, there were so many!

“Oh my God! Do you see this, Ed?”

“I do!” I grinned and as we watched a few fish leap into our boat, flopping around dancing. 

“Wait a minute, guys!” John stood up and stared at the stranger, who had his back to us as he appeared to be tending to his own fish on the grill.

“What?” I shouted out, but John said nothing.  He just stood there looking at the man.  Then he sat down slowly, as if he had seen a ghost.

“What is it John?” I asked again, struggling to keep me cool and my grip on my fishing net.”

John just shook his head.

“Not what. Who?” John looked back at the stranger who was applauding us and motioning for us to come to shore.

“Okay.” I played along. “Who is he?”

 “It’s him!  It’s …It’s the Lord!”

Well that’s all I needed to hear, Actually, that’s all I heard before I dove into the water!  I left those guys struggling with the catch.  I didn’t care. All I could keep in my mind was John’s words “It’s the Lord!”  I’m not the fastest swimmer, but there was no stopping me that morning.  The combination of excitement and terror, fear and anticipation rushed through my blood stream.  I could barely control my breathing but I knew I would not stop until I made it to my Lord on the shore!

Finally I made it to the shore and the Lord gave me a hand up out the water.  (just like old times, I thought.) I placed my hands on his shoulders and just stared him for a moment.  He laughed hard and all over.   Then he buried his head in my neck and hugged me as if he didn’t know my shame. As if my betrayal of him was erased from his memory. His strength held me up for sure, because my knees were shaking.  Fatigue? Fear? I don’t know.  Maybe both. I didn’t care.

When the others finally made it, I let him go and he hugged them too.

“There’s fish. There’s bread.” he gestured to the food he had prepared.  Bring some of that fish you caught.  Let’s eat!”

There we were, on the beach, having breakfast with the Lord.  Just like old times.  We’re stuffing our faces as each herb and spice exploded in our mouths.  The smoky aroma ascended to the morning sky and I sat there wondering, “why haven’t I noticed the smoke before?”  I could tell the others wanted to say something about how different the He looked, but there was really nothing that needed to be said.  We all knew it was Him.  We just sat there looking into the warm fire finishing our plates and wiping our faces with our forearms.  When we’re finished, He collected our plates, gathered our leftovers, placed them in a basket and sat down in front of me.  I swallowed hard and waiting for the Lord to speak.  When He finally did, I could barely look at Him.

“Ed,” He said. “Do you love me more than these?”

“Yes Lord.” I sighed in relief.  Thankful that I knew the answer to that question.  When He didn’t move on to anyone else, it threw me off a bit.  He looked directly into my eyes, without even blinking.

“Feed my lambs.” He said to me.  I nodded yes and looked over at John who chose to look away from me.  He and the others had sort of distant themselves from me and I knew then, the Lord was not done with me yet.

“Ed”, He said. “Do you really love me?” He drew closer to me and patiently waited for my answer as if this was his real question for me.

“Yes, Lord. You know that I love you.” I started to reach out to touch him, but I decided against it.  How could he not know this?  Did he know something I didn’t? Of course he did! He knew everything I didn’t know.  He knew Judas would betray him.  We don’t mention him anymore. He even knew I would deny that I’d ever known him, not once or twice; but three times in the same night! The Lord knew me better than I know myself.  And that terrified me. 

“Take care of my sheep.” He said to me without flinching.  Then he sighed and asked me again.

“Ed, do you love me?” He said it again as if He never asked me before.

What do you say to that? Was it a test? Did I only think I loved him, but didn’t?  Wouldn’t he know that by now? Oh God, I thought where do I go from here? My heart sank into my gut and my chin fell.  I sat there looking at his feet.  The feet that Mary kissed and cried on.  And I wept, holding my mouth as it hung open, waiting for the ability to speak again.

“Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” I didn’t know what else I could say.

“Feed my sheep.” He commanded.  I nodded as I looked down and away from him, trying to process what the Lord was telling me and silently weeping. That’s when he held my face up to his and looked me in the eyes.  His eyes swelled with tears.

“Follow me!!” He said to me and I hugged him tightly and cried all over again.  The heaviness I felt melted away and I could barely keep my feet on the ground. I felt so light.  He released me, smiling and I took a deep breath, smelling the sea air as if for the first time ever.  Forgiveness has a way of awakening your senses!