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Breaking Up to Grow Up (Day 1)


This is the year I break up with Fear.  I’m not talking about the kind of fear that makes you think clearly and make good choices.  I’m talking about the kind of fear that paralyzes you. The kind of fear that mocks your dreams and makes statements like “be realistic” , “that’s a waste of time” and “who do you think you are?” No more! I’m done with her seductive tone and smooth words that kept me from pursuing what I’ve always known in my heart.  That I am a writer.

I’ve been writing my whole life, really.  At least it’s felt that way.  I remember being in the 7th grade, pretending to hate homework assignments like “write an essay about…”, because none of my friends love to write.  Or did they?  Maybe some of them were secretly writers themselves afraid to come out of the “closet”.  We all had so much to prove back then.  So much to hide and suppress.  So I’m breaking up with Fear or shall I say, I have broken with her already. 

Please forgive for the female personification of “fear”.  I’m not suppressing some inner hatred of women.  I happen to love, honor and respect women a great deal.  It’s just that I’ve had such an intimate, on again, off again relationship with Fear that it feels like a relationships that takes from you and buries you underneath shame and guilt.  This is the year that Fear gets stood up.  No more date nights for you. 

I am a writer.  Writing  is one of those experiences that awakes me like coffee.  The other one is music.  I will exploring my musical side as well.  There are things in me that come out in writing that no other forming of communicating really taps into the same way.  There’s a depth there in me that lights up.  Not that I think that I’m some deep person.  I have the capacity to think very superficially from time to time.  It’s not something I’m proud of .  It’s just a part of what makes me who I am.  And with 45 years on this planet, it’s freeing to realize and say out loud “I have a lot of growing up to do”.  Writing is the space that this astronaut can experience the universe. 

Writing is also the place where I feel like I can make a contribution to our world.  I believe we all have a voice, whether we choose accept it or not.  Writing is one my ways of sharing my voice. That’s probably why I feel so isolated and empty when I don’t write.  Fear has kept me from regularly expressing my voice.  I’m a guarded person naturally and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. But it doesn’t mean I can’t share my heart and let my guard down when I need to.  I have something to say and sometimes verbal words of conversation just get in the way.  I’m no longer socially awkward, but at times I lack the eloquence of conversation that probes deeper than “How are you today? I’m fine, thank you.” 

So in order for me to fully grow up, I must be willing to let go.  Good Bye Fear.  Don’t call and please don’t write.   

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